Sarah Congress is a comedic playwright represented by Anthony Tall in LA. Delulu was read at the Episcopal Actors' Guild in NYC October 2025, and was also selected as a semi-finalist for Centre Stage's 23rd Annual New Play Festival (1 of 40 plays from 800 submissions). Her play Last Sunrise was produced by NYLon Fusion Theatre Co. in their Gilded Cage play festival June 2025  at TADA! Last Sunrise was presented with writers: John Patrick Shanley, Lyle Kessler (Orphans) and Migdalia Cruz (Fur). She works as a script doctor for screenplays and books, teaches writing classes for The Hudson Valley Writers Center, and works part-time for the Dean's Office at Columbia University, School of the Arts. Visit Sarah's website to learn more. 

Delulu

“Now I know what a ghost is. Unfinished business, that’ s what.”―Salman Rushdie

Characters:.

Sparky “Snugglebug”: 21. 90s vibe. Guitarist.  Deena: 39. Human resources manager.
Dougie: 60. Brick mason.
*Diana: 18. Deena and Dougie’s daughter..
**Holly: 39. Deena’s homegirl.

*Actor will also play Elizabeth from Shore Points Realty

**Actor will also play Wendy from financial aid

Time: The present…for the most part.

Setting: Ocean Grove, New Jersey.

Note about the Set: Less is more.

Act One, Scene One: Living room.

DIANA
Boujee.

DEENA
(Offstage) Target.

DIANA
Cute bed sheets.

DEENA
Knew you’d want pink.

DIANA
BET.

DEENA
Small.

DIANA
OMG.

DEENA
Impulse buy.

DIANA
Lancome juicy tubes?!

DEENA
…under eye cream.

DIANA
(Deflated) Bussin.’

DEENA
Brightens dark circles.

DIANA
Lit.

DEENA
For nights you’re up late–studying.

DIANA
Sephora bag had me guessing Lancome juicy tubes.

DEENA
Diana, sweetheart, you’ll thank me when you’re forty.

DIANA
Botox and fillers, Mom.

DEENA
Do NOT inject chemicals into that face.

DIANA
Mom. Chill.

DEENA
Freshman.

DIANA
Ava sent the stupidest MEME.

DEENA
First girl in the family to go to college.

DIANA
SUNY Oswego isn’t fucking Harvard, Mom.

DEENA
Only got through half a semester of community college before–

DIANA
Look at this MEME.

DEENA
Why is that odd child in a top hat?

DIANA
Willy Wonka.

DEENA
Gene Wilder.

DIANA
Timothée Chalamet.

DEENA
Timothée. Right. Right.

DIANA
Mom?

DEENA
Baby?

DIANA
Don’t forget to Venmo for the meal plan.

DEENA
Terrifying bill doesn’t cover food?

DIANA
Food’s separate.

DEENA
Fuck’s it cover?

DIANA
Won a scholarship.

DEENA
Baby, baby–ignore Mommy.

DIANA
…also need money for lab fees.

DEENA
Jesus Christ.

DIANA
…and textbooks.

DEENA
Greedy out of state mother–

DIANA
Brookdale Community College–

DEENA
Doesn’t have the biology program you deserve. (Beat) Mommy will figure it out.

DIANA
Roommate looks dope. Found her on IG.

DEENA
Meeting Wendy in financial aid tomorrow.

DIANA
Pre-med. Like me.

DEENA
Baby’s leaving home.

DIANA
Setting alarm for six.

DEENA
Grown woman now.

DIANA
Orientation’s at noon.

DEENA
Five hours away from my baby.

DIANA
Rachel said you’d experience ASAD.

DEENA
Rachel said what now?

DIANA
Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder.

DEENA
Rachel is an idiot.

DIANA
Mom, maybe now–

DEENA
Did you hear that?

DIANA
With me away–

DEENA
Strange noise from the basement.

DIANA
You could give therapy a chance?

DEENA
Sometimes I swear this house is haunted.

DIANA
Mom?

DEENA
Baby, I am so proud of you.

Father would be too.

DIANA
SCUM is not my Father.

DEENA
Only get one Father in this world…

DIANA
What are you fucking saying?

DEENA
A text.

DIANA
Fuck that.

DEENA
One text.

DIANA
Beyond cringe.

DEENA
Dougie would be proud–

DIANA
Don’t you DARE say his name.

DEENA
Diana, like it or not, you’re his daughter.

DIANA
DON’T like it–and NOT his fucking daughter.

DEENA
A text.

DIANA
Stop acting DELULU!

DEENA
De–hell–what?

DIANA
DELUSIONAL.

DEENA
Baby, baby–

DIANA
PSYCHOPATH hit you over the head with a vacuum cleaner. There! Blood everywhere!

DEENA
…Sober now. (Beat) Saw on Facebook.

DIANA
Block that piece of garbage on Facebook, MOM!

DEENA
He is your Father.

DIANA
Bye, Felicia.

DEENA
Sit.

DIANA
Do you NOT REMEMBER the shit he did in this house?

DEENA
Years ago.

DIANA
Months ago.

DEENA
Rounds up to a year.

DIANA
Transferring to Brookdale.

DEENA
Calm down. Calm down.

DIANA
Mom–you are not okay.

DEENA
Mommy is totally okay. Fine. Perfect. (Beat) Let’s order dinner from Yummy Yummy Chinese Restaurant while we pack the car for tomorrow.

DIANA
Promise me you’ll be OK in this house.

DEENA
Promise I’ll be OK in this house. (Beat) Crab rangoon?

DIANA
Singapore noodles.

DEENA
Hot and sour soup. Egg roll.

DIANA
Lawyer told you not to talk to him.

DEENA
Hope they give you a big dorm room…

DIANA
Please tell me you don’t talk to him.

DEENA
…better be a big dorm room for the price.

DIANA
MOM.

DEENA
I won’t talk to him.

DIANA
You’re going to be OK?

DEENA
I’ll be fine. There’s your Aunt Holly, Zumba, work–

DIANA
Slaps that you got promoted.

DEENA
Work in Human Resources, honey. Costco promoted me because they feel sorry for me.

DIANA
Totes forgot–some friends are going to Coachella–

DEENA
Coach-hell-what?

DIANA
Didi’s stepdad–the mega rich startup guy–bought me a ticket.

DEENA
Swear I heard a sound from the basement.

DIANA
Won’t be home for Spring Break.

DEENA
Proud of you, Diana.

DEENA hugs DIANA.

DIANA
Mom, you’re choking me.

DEENA
Last meal at home.

DIANA
Thanksgiving break, Mom.

DEENA
Till Thanksgiving break.

Lights out.

Act One, Scene Two: Kitchen–Midnight.

DEENA smokes.

DOUGIE
Asbestos on my best fucking work boots.

DEENA
Hallucinating.

DOUGIE
Don’t burn down my kitchen, bitch.

DEENA
Nightmare.

DOUGIE
Pulling your chain–c’mere, sexy night owl.

DEENA
Leave.

DOUGIE
No way to greet your husband.

DEENA
Ex-husband.

DOUGIE
Fucking lawyers. Fucking lawyers got to your head, Deena. C’mere.

DEENA
No.

DOUGIE
C’mere.

Beat.

DOUGIE
Gonna smoke, smoke a real fucking cigarette.

DEENA
Quit.

DOUGIE lights a Marlboro red.

DEENA
Diana goes to school tomorrow. Diana, your daughter. Remember your daughter–

DOUGIE
Bitch, shut the fuck up.

Built this house for you ungrateful girls with my bare hands.

DOUGIE
Sorry, bitch, don’t tell me I don’t KNOW my fucking daughter.

DEENA
Christ, this house is haunted.

DOUGIE
Long day shoveling shit at the site…don’t need more shit.

DEENA
Deena, wake up.

DOUGIE
Looking good.

DEENA
Losing it…

DOUGIE
Yoga? Pilates?

DEENA
Zumba.

DOUGIE
C’mere, sexy owl–smoke a cig on Daddy’s lap.

DEENA
No.

DOUGIE
Marlboro Reds and Daddy’s cock are Deena’s favorite things.

DEENA
Rachel’s right.

DOUGIE
Fuck’s Rachel?

DEENA
Diana’s therapist. Says I have ASAD.

DOUGIE
Fuck’s ASAD?

DEENA
Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder.

DOUGIE howls with laughter.

DEENA
Calling the police.

DOUGIE
Ass is INCREDIBLE.

DEENA
Calling the police.

DOUGIE
Heard you the first time.

DEENA
Get out of my house.

DOUGIE
Fuck you say? I’m your husband and I built this house for you. No matter what a fucking lawyer says

C’mere, Deena. Don’t bite.

DEENA
You bite, Dougie. Hard.

DOUGIE
Sober now. Call my sponsor, Damien–put him on speaker.

DEENA
For real this time?

DOUGIE
For real this time.

DEENA
Promise?

DOUGIE
Promise.

No more booze. You love me, Deena. I’m your Dougie.

DEENA
Dougie.

DOUGIE
Deena misses Dougie.

DEENA
Diana’s leaving home.

DOUGIE
So sexy. Zumba’s working.

DEENA
Holly takes me Wednesday nights to the Workout World.

DOUGIE
Fat bitches love Zumba.

DEENA
Holly isn’t fat.

Beat.

DEENA
Not obese fat.

DOUGIE
C’mere. (Stroking her hair) First date in the Kohl’s parking lot…feels like yesterday.

DEENA
19. Kohl’s cashier.

DOUGIE
Ringing up sneakers.

DEENA
That was that.

DOUGIE
Beautiful girl needs a man.

DEENA
You loved me.

DOUGIE
I loved you.

DEENA
When I got pregnant–

DOUGIE
I let you keep it.

DEENA
We got married.

DOUGIE
Built a house.

DEENA
You became…mean.

How’d you get inside?

DOUGIE
Left the door open, Deena.

DOUGIE grabs DEENA.

Lights out.

Act One, Scene Three: Living room

Sound of a kettle boiling.

DEENA
DEAR GOD NO!

DIANA
Mom. Chill.

DEENA
He was–

DIANA
Who was?

DEENA
Last night, I–

DIANA
Fell asleep binging “Selling Sunset.”

(Offstage) Making coffee.

DEENA
Dougie was here.

DIANA
(Offstage) Out of almond milk.

DEENA
Check the pantry.

DIANA
(Offstage) No almond milk.

DEENA
Dougie was here.

DIANA
(Offstage) Never mind, found it.

DEENA
House is haunted.

DIANA
Two stevia.

DEENA
Thanks, baby.

DIANA
Can we stop at Panera first?

Mom?

DEENA
Nightmare.

DIANA
Sorry.

DEENA
Time to hit the road.

DEENA and DIANA sit on two chairs downstage.

DIANA
What was your nightmare about?

DEENA
Mommy needs to concentrate on directions.

DIANA
(Blasting Sabrina Carpenter) “Please, please, please, don’t prove I’m right.”

GPS says, “In 560 feet take Route 481 North to Route 104 Oswego.”

DEENA
104. 104.

DIANA
“Heartbreak is one thing, my ego’s another I beg you, don’t embarrass me, mother–”

DEENA
TURN THAT GARBAGE OFF.

Silence.

DIANA
Thought you liked Sabrina Carpenter.

DEENA
Not when I’m merging.

DIANA
Song’s about Barry Keoghan.

DEENA
Ah.

DIANA
You know, Barry Keoghan.

DEENA
No.

DIANA
Irish actor…Saltburn. Bird…Killing of a Sacred Deer.

DEENA
That’s nice honey.

DIANA
You’d recognize him if–

DEENA
Speaking of boys.

DIANA
Murder me.

DEENA
Or…girls…

DIANA
Mom. Not a lesbian.

DEENA
Meghan Aaronson–

DIANA
Kissed once at a party. Years ago.

DEENA
Months ago.

DIANA
Not gay.

DEENA
…did you enjoy kissing Meghan Aaronson.

DIANA
MOM.

DEENA
Sorry.

GPS says, “Make a left, at the fork.”

DEENA
Speaking of parties.

DIANA
(Blasting Sabrina Carpenter) “Oh I leave quite an impression. Five feet to be exact.”

DEENA
Diana, you’ll be tempted–

DIANA
“You’re wondering why half his clothes went missing.’”

DEENA
Parties, marijuana, tequila–

DIANA
“My body’s where they’re at.”

DEENA
Be smart.

DIANA
I will.

DEENA
Don’t make my mistakes.

DIANA
…I was a mistake?

DEENA
No. Pregnant, twenty-one. Not ideal…your Father and I–

DIANA
DO NOT MENTION DAD.

DEENA
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Silence.

DEENA
Just use condoms.

DIANA
MOM.

DEENA
Know how to use a condom, right?

DIANA
YES.

DEENA
…how?

DIANA
TikTok.

Lights out.

Act One, Scene Four: SUNY OSWEGO Financial Aid Office.

WENDY
Wendy.

DEENA
Deena.

WENDY
Chapstick?

DEENA
Sure.

WENDY
Take as many as you’d like.

DEENA
Thanks.

WENDY
Parents love Chapstick.

DEENA
Yes.

DEENA
Beautiful campus.

WENDY
Truly.

DEENA
Work at Costco. Office looks nothing like this.

WENDY
Yes, well.

DEENA
Wendy–

WENDY
Deena?

DEENA
Are there…how does one pay…

WENDY
Diana won a first-year scholarship.

DEENA
Wohoo!

Thank God.

WENDY
Congratulations.

DEENA
Smart girl.

WENDY
Which will end after her Freshman year.

DEENA
How much of it ends?

WENDY
All aid ends after her Freshman year.

DEENA
Forgive me. Long drive. Tad nauseous.

WENDY
Tissue?

DEENA
Tissue won’t help me now, Wendy…

WENDY
Any other questions?

DEENA
Forgive me–

WENDY
Please. Ask.

DEENA
My daughter’s sophomore, junior and senior year at OSWEGO–

WENDY
Diana will be responsible for paying full tuition.

DEENA
Hot in here.

WENDY
Can open a window.

DEENA
Window won’t help me now, Wendy…

WENDY
Many parents–

DEENA
Parent. Divorced.

WENDY
Have their children–

DEENA
Just the one.

WENDY
Take out student loans.

DEENA
Diana will not start her life out in debt. My Mother was manic depressive.

WENDY
Uhuh.

DEENA
Bedridden after my father left us. Clinically “cuckoo,” delulu–as the kids say–

WENDY
Okay.

DEENA
Grew up in horrific, awful, endless debt. Grandparents–same story–debt. Barely out of debt from the divorce with Dougie…don’t get me started on Dougie.

WENDY
No need.

DEENA
Diana will not be in debt.

WENDY
Kay, here’s a suggested payment plan for Diana’s sophomore, junior and senior year at OSWEGO.

DEENA
You’re joking?

WENDY
We don’t joke in financial aid.

DEENA
This, this “payment plan” is delulu.

WENDY
Other options will be discussed at parent orientation.

DEENA
Parent orientation is free to attend…?

WENDY
Why wouldn’t it be?

Lights up on two chairs downstage.

DIANA
Roommate has a Keurig!

DEENA
Mommy’s a phone call away.

DIANA
OMG–bio labs are Gucci.

DEENA
If you feel lonely or sad or scared–

DIANA
Noah, Ava–

DEENA
Proud of you, baby.

DIANA
Going to Tyler Hall?

DEENA
Study hard.

DIANA
Bye, Mom!

DIANA exits.

DEENA
“Bye Mom.” Changed her diapers. Dried her tears. Made her dinner every night for seventeen years.

DEENA sits.

DEENA
(Lighting cigarette) “Bye Mom.” Doesn’t seem fair.

DOUGIE
Quitting is working for you.

GPS says, “Rerouting. Rerouting.”

DOUGIE
Last night was fun.

GPS says,“Make a right. Then, in 666 feet–”

DOUGIE
(Lighting cigarette) Fuck’s sake, Deena. Smoke a real goddamn cigarette.

Silence.

DOUGIE
Silent treatment.

GPS says, “Turn left, then merge onto–”

DOUGIE
Last night was fun.

DEENA
Dougie, get out.

DOUGIE
Middle of the highway. Want me to get out in the middle of the highway, Deena? Is that what you fucking want, you crazy fucking bitch?

DEENA
You’re not real.

DOUGIE
Marriage was REAL.

DEENA
Please–leave me alone.

DOUGIE
Stop–letting me in.

GPS says, “In sixteen miles, take a slight right onto–”

DEENA
SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Silence.

DEENA
How the hell am I going to pay for Diana’s college?

DOUGIE
Two-income household.

DEENA
Two-income household?

DOUGIE
Two incomes. Drive us home.

DEENA
Stop acting DELULU.

DOUGIE
De-fuck-what?

DEENA
Delusional!

DOUGIE
Did I ever once cheat on you? Did I? Did I, Deena? Did I ever once cheat on you?

DEENA
No. But you hit me over the head with a vacuum cleaner.

DOUGIE
Once. One time.

DEENA
Could’ve given me brain damage.

DOUGIE
Your brain’s already damaged.

Kidding.

Kidding.

Move back in, we’ll pay bills together.

Two-income household.

Nothing more American than that.

DEENA
Sober now.

DOUGIE
Calling Damien.

DEENA
AA’s working?

DOUGIE
Voicemail.

DEENA
Actually working?

DOUGIE
Deena, haven’t touched hard liquor in eleven months.

DEENA
What about beer?

DOUGIE
Fucking human, Deena.

DEENA
Gonna have to sell the house.

DOUGIE
Ain’t selling my house.

DEENA
Have to.

DOUGIE
Not my fucking house goddamn it Deena.

DEENA
And you are not sleeping over.

DOUGIE
…really want to spend the night alone?

DOUGIE lights DEENA’s cigarette.

DEENA
Out by morning.

DOUGIE
That’s my girl.

DEENA
Not your girl.

DOUGIE
Always be my girl.

DEENA
Out by morning.

Lights out.

Act One, Scene Five: Restaurant.

DEENA and HOLLY sit at a teeny tiny table drinking martinis.

HOLLY
Cheers.

DEENA
Cheers.

HOLLY
Congrats, Deena.

DEENA
Thanks, Holly.

HOLLY
Diana’s at school.

DEENA
Diana’s at school.

They clink glasses.

HOLLY
Easy drive up?

DEENA
For the most part.

HOLLY
What kind of doctor does she want to be?

Hopefully not one of those botox nurses.

God forbid. God forbid.

Speaking of–honey can’t possibly be old enough to work here. Legs for days. What is she wearing?

DEENA
Romper.

HOLLY
What?

DEENA
Listen, Holly–

HOLLY
Butt cheek hanging out for the entire restaurant to see.

DEENA
Sometimes, I–

HOLLY
Kind of Mother lets her daughter out of the house dressed like that?

DEENA
…miss Dougie.

HOLLY
Thank the Lord I had boys.

DEENA
…a lot.

HOLLY
Anorexic princess over there filming her food. Kids these days. Say something?

To freedom.

DEENA
To freedom.

HOLLY
Diana’s at school.

DEENA
Diana’s at school.

They clink glasses.

HOLLY
No Diana, no husband…

DEENA
Shall we order?

HOLLY
Have sex with a man on Tinder. Bring him back to your hot tub. Make some magic.

DEENA
Chicken parm looks good.

HOLLY
Deena.

Honey.

You’re an attractive pre-perimenopausal woman.

DEENA
Or linguini and clams.

HOLLY
Like Renaldo would say–it’s time for you to “join the rhythm revolution.”

DEENA
Thinking maybe…

HOLLY
No.

DEENA
One text…

HOLLY
NO.

DEENA
So he knows his daughter is at school.

HOLLY
What part of RESTRAINING ORDER–

DEENA
People are staring, Holly.

HOLLY
Do you not understand?

Excuse me, little miss, another round of shade of jade martinis.

DEENA
He is her Father.

HOLLY
No, sweetheart. NO.

DEENA
Yes. Right. Fine.

HOLLY
Get a belly button ring. Vape marijuana. Go crazy!

DEENA
Go crazy.

HOLLY
Fuck somebody from Workout World.

DEENA
Crazy. Crazy.

HOLLY
Veal parm and fettuccine alfredo. Fuck. It’s my cheat day.

DEENA
Holly, I can’t be alone in that house.

HOLLY
Finally.

What are in these martinis?! Dangerous.

DEENA
There’s something very wrong with that house.

HOLLY
Little miss, hi–we’re ready to order.

Lights out.

Act One, Scene Six: Living room.

DEENA
Diana, sweetheart, happy first week of classes. Miss you, so much…listen baby, not to worry, Mommy’s having a realtor over so she can sort out finances. Proud of you. Bye…

There is a knock at the door.

Last night was the last night, Dougie.

There is a knock at the door.

SPARKY is outside–holding his guitar case.

SPARKY
Hi. Sup.

DEENA
Hi. Hello. Are you, uh, from uh, Shore Points Realty?

SPARKY
No. Not.

DEENA
Duh.

Clearly not an Elizabeth.

SPARKY
Bit lost.

DEENA
So sorry.

SPARKY
Looking for 326 Cedar Lane.

DEENA
This is 326 Cedar Lane.

SPARKY
Oh. Snap.

SPARKY exits.

DEENA
Come in.

Have a Keurig, can make you a coffee or a–Chai?

Strange.

ElLIZABETH, from Shore Points Realty, enters.

ELIZABETH
Hi, hi, hi–so sorry I’m late, Deena.

DEENA
Strange.

ELIZABETH
Worst line at Rook Coffee. Wow. You do not look 39.

DEENA
That young guy…did you see where he went?

ELIZABETH
Sure didn’t, but SUPER excited to tour the house. Shoes on or off?

DEENA
Vanished.

ELIZABETH
Gorgeous hardwood floor.

DEENA
Gone.

ELIZABETH
Super shiny.

DEENA
Felt like…I knew him.

ELIZABETH
Wax?

DEENA
Sorry. What?

ELIZABETH
Do you wax?

Beat.

ELIZABETH
The floor?

DEENA
Swiffer.

ELIZABETH
J’adore the kitchen island!

DEENA
Husband, Dougie, built it.

ELIZABETH
Handyman husband. Good for you.

DEENA
Ex-husband. Divorced.

ELIZABETH
Men. At least you got custody of the house.

DEENA
Perk of almost being beaten to death with a vacuum cleaner! There. Right there. He almost killed me.

ELIZABETH
…and such an amazing neighborhood. House will sell overnight.

DEENA
Phew.

ELIZABETH
Great school district.

DEENA
Diana was always a straight-A student.

ELIZABETH
Do not look old enough to have a daughter in college. Gonna snap some pics.

DEENA
Dougie, my husband–ex-husband–built that fireplace.

ELIZABETH
Amazing. Great sell point.

DEEN
Diana used to build Lego hospitals on the end table.

ELIZABETH
Walls could use a refresh.

DEENA
Refresh?

ELIZABETH
Cracks, peeling paint, makes the living room drab. Light doesn’t help.

DEENA
Oh. I see…Well, do excuse us LOWLY middle class working folk who can’t take proper care of their walls.

ELIZABETH
No, just mean a refresh–

DEENA
Try being a twenty-five-year-old full-time working Mom teaching her daughter how to read and write while your husband shovels shit all day at a construction site, sweetheart.

ELIZABETH
Not a criticism.

DEENA
Fresh coat of paint will NEVER EVER make us good enough for you fucking people.

ELIZABETH
So did not mean to trigger you.

DEENA lights a cigarette.

ELIZABETH
Guess we’ll need to deep clean the curtains to get rid of the smoke.

DEENA
Fucking people.

ELIZABETH
Shall we pencil the open house for next–

DEENA
Get out.

ELIZABETH
Wednesday?

DEENA
Get out of my fucking house.

ELIZABETH
Shoot you a text.

DEENA
OUT!

ELIZABETH
Kay thanks–great meeting you Deena.

ELIZABETH exits.

DOUGIE
OUT!

DEENA
Dougie.

DOUGIE
Shoulda pulled a shotgun on the bitch.

DEENA
Time for us to say goodbye.

DOUGIE
Wanna say goodbye.

DEENA
Have to sell the house.

DOUGIE
Wanna sell my house.

DEENA
Need the money for Diana’s school.

DOUGIE
Good memories in this house.

DEENA
Bad ones, too.

DOUGIE
Baby, built this house for you. Don’t break my heart.

Baby, baby, baby…why sell it?

DEENA
…Maybe so I can…

MOVE ON WITH MY FUCKING LIFE…

STOP ARGUING WITH THE GHOST

OF MY

ALCOHOLIC EX-HUSBAND

DOUGIE
Sober now.

Besides beer.

DEENA
GET OUT.

DOUGIE
Close the door.

DEENA
Door is closed.

DOUGIE
Till three a.m. when you wake up crying.

Lights out.

Act One, Scene Six: Kitchen.

DEENA
Holly, it’s legal.

Lights up on HOLLY downstage.

HOLLY
Frankie’s cousin–Marina–got evicted from her townhouse just for listing her bedroom on Airbnb. Poor woman lives in Trenton. Trenton, Deena. Trent. (Crossing herself) Bless her soul.

DEENA
Holly, it’s legalish to rent out my basement on Airbnb.

HOLLY
Did you tell Diana?

DEENA
Phone always goes to voicemail.

HOLLY
Downsize, pumpkin. Save yourself the hassle of buying toilet paper for strangers.

DEENA
Not ready to sell the house…yet.

HOLLY
Really want psycho cheapskate creeps tracing in your basement?

DEENA
Need the money for Diana’s school.

HOLLY
Ask Costco for a raise.

DEENA
Already tried.

HOLLY
Deena…Deena are you smoking?

DEENA
Bye, Holly.

Lights out on HOLLY.

DEENA sits and opens her laptop.

DEENA
“Describe the space” …Somewhat tidy, furnished house with PERFECTLY REFRESHED walls in Ocean County, New Jersey. Fifteen minute walk to beach…Thirty with beach chairs. “Guests will have access to…” Microwave…Assorted towels…Bananas from Target…State of the art Keurig coffee maker…Other things to note…House haunted by memory of alcoholic ex-husband…Finished basement with half bathroom…Sometimes the sink works. Sometimes it doesn’t…Hot tub in back, working grill, and patio–prone to murderous mosquitoes from May-August…Guests welcome ASAP. Save and submit.

There is a knock at the door.

SPARKY is outside–holding his guitar case.

SPARKY
Hi. Sup.

DEENA
You. Hi.

SPARKY
Bit lost.

DEENA
So sorry.

SPARKY
Looking for 326 Cedar Lane.

DEENA
This is 326 Cedar Lane.

SPARKY
Oh. Snap.

DEENA
Duh. The basement! Please, come in.

SPARKY
House is totally different.

DEENA
From the Airbnb website?

SPARKY
Totally changed.

DEENA
Suck at taking photos.

SPARKY
Cute.

DEENA
Diana.

SPARKY
Daughter?

DEENA
Freshman at SUNY Oswego.

SPARKY
Looks more like your sister.

DEENA
The uh, the basement is furnished.

SPARKY
Rad fireplace.

DEENA
Friend built it.

SPARKY
Da bomb.

Feels like yesterday.

Been lost for a while.

DEENA
Deena.

SPARKY
Sparky–but everyone calls me Snugglebug.

DEENA
Snugglebug.

SPARKY
Yeah, girl–snuggle like a bug.

DEENA
You play?

SPARKY
Hells yeah. Lead guitar. Lightning Turds.

DEENA
Lightning Turds?

SPARKY
Hell yeah, girl–we rad as shit.

DEENA
Terrible host. First time. Hosting.

SPARKY
Kept my cassette tapes there.

DEENA
Feel free to put anything anywhere, Sparky. Snugglebug.

SPARKY
Some nights, Dad would come home drunk, trip over my guitar, beat me fucking senseless. Blood. Everywhere.

DEENA
Sounds familiar.

SPARKY
Take a cigarette.

DEENA
Friend left them. Barely smoke…

SPARKY
“American Spirits.” Never seen this brand.

DEENA
“Diet coke” of cigarettes.

SPARKY
Fly hot tub.

DEENA
Enjoy…hot tubs?

SPARKY
Jose’s house has a skate ramp out back.

DEENA
Skate ramp. Balling.

SPARKY lights DEENA’s cigarette.

SPARKY
Fuck. Neighborhood’s changed.

DEENA
From around here?

SPARKY
Yeah. Hate fucking Jersey.

DEENA
Are you at University or–

SPARKY
Fuck school.

DEENA
Only made it through half a semester of community college.

SPARKY
What happened?

DEENA
Got pregnant.

SPARKY
Word.

Leaving for LA soon as I save enough.

West Coast music scene–where it's at.

DEENA
Sorry, Sparky–Diana, honey.

Lights up on DIANA downstage.

DIANA
Mom. What the–

DEENA
Honey. Now isn’t a good time.

DIANA
Selling the house?

SPARKY
Gonna roll us a joint.

DEENA
Cool… Not exactly…

DIANA
Do it, Mom. OMG get an apartment in Asbury Park!

SPARKY
Stems. Fuck Jose.

DEENA
Baby, what Mommy means is…

DIANA
OMG near the Monmouth Mall. Crystal’s Step-Dad lives in a luxury building, she can literally walk to Victoria’s Secret.

DEENA
Mommy’s an Airbnb host.

DIANA
Mom, that’s not legal.

DEENA
Legalish. Renting out our basement.

DIANA
To total strangers?

DEENA
Fun, right?

DIANA
No, Mom.

DEENA
Talk later, honey.

DIANA
Mom, you’re acting DELULU!

Lights out on DIANA.

SPARKY
Smoke this in the hot tub?

DEENA
Dope idea.

SPARKY
Full of dope ideas.

DEENA
Got a swimsuit?

Lights out.

Act One, Scene Seven: Kitchen–Midnight.

DEENA waltzes into the kitchen, wearing a SUNY OSWEGO hoodie.

DOUGIE
Fool.

Damn fool.

DEENA
Jealous?

DOUGIE
Lightning Turd is our daughter’s age.

DEENA
Sound jealous.

DOUGIE
Snugglebug is bad news.

DEENA
That so?

DOUGIE
Let a fucking demon in my hot tub.

What happened to my sweet, Deena?

DEENA
Since thirteen years-old I’ve been taking care of everyone–everyone but me. Mom and her pills and her manic depression. Then you–with your temper and your alcohol and your utter fucking hatred of life…and me.

DOUGIE
Deena, baby, we were in–

DEENA
Seventeen years of school supplies for Diana, dentist appointments, sixth grade graduation–where were you, DOUGIE–where the fuck were–

DOUGIE
So your solution is to fuck a 21-year-old heroin addict?

DEENA
Didn’t fuck and he’s not a drug addict.

DOUGIE
Spent a long time in the hot tub…my hot tub.

DEENA
Need a tenant…Need the money.

DOUGIE
Little shit’s not gonna pay you.

DEENA
Out!

SPARKY enters.

SPARKY
Couldn’t sleep.

DEENA
Old mattress…sorry.

SPARKY
Who were you talking to?

DEENA
There’s ice cream.

SPARKY
Just now–you were talking to someone.

SPARKY and DEENA kiss.

DEENA
Maybe that’s why you couldn’t sleep…

SPARKY
There’s something wrong. Downstairs.

DEENA
Not mice again.

SPARKY
Not mice.

Lights up on HOLLY downstage.

HOLLY
Deena. Finally.

DEENA
Holly. Hi.

HOLLY
Tried calling you.

DEENA
Busy at work.

HOLLY
Could have texted.

DEENA
Slammed at work.

HOLLY
Still.

DEENA
Holly, you don’t have a job.

HOLLY
Raising two teenage boys is work.

DEENA
Sitting at home, overeating “diet” food isn’t work.

HOLLY
Deena…nasty thing to say.

DEENA
Sorry…not myself today.

HOLLY
Missed Zumba again tonight.

DEENA
Yeah.

HOLLY
Renaldo had us meringue to Bad Bunny’s “Nuevayol!”

DEENA
Sorry to have missed that.

HOLLY
Wild! Jennifer–Jennifer from the dental group…really fucked up.

SPARKY
Sexy lips.

HOLLY
Deena, at Jamba Juice, we all got to talking…can’t Airbnb in your zip code.

SPARKY
Love these lips.

DEENA
Yes. I. Can.

HOLLY
Renaldo’s boyfriend says it's illegal.

SPARKY
Gonna fuck these lips.

DEENA
Diana’s calling.

HOLLY
Get that guest out of your basement–before you’re evicted!

DEENA
Goodnight, Holly.

Lights out on HOLLY.

SPARKY
About rent.

DEENA
Yes. Rent.

SPARKY
What if I used the money to get a gift for us?

DEENA
Kind of gift?

SPARKY
Dope ass gift.

DEENA
My daughter is around your age.

SPARKY
So?

DEENA
Doesn’t bother you?

SPARKY
Bother you?

DEENA
No.

SPARKY
Word.

DEENA
…do need money.

SPARKY
Next month, next month baby.

Gonna give Jose a ring. Baby–you’re gonna dig this gift.

DEENA
Next month, rent.

SPARKY
Next month, rent.

SPARKY exits.

DEENA
Fuck you, Dougie…things are perfect.

End of Act One.

Act Two, Scene One: Porch–Midnight

DEENA sits on the front porch.

DOUGIE smokes.

DOUGIE
Weird.
Fucking weird, Deena.

DEENA
Jose is on his way.

DOUGIE
The fuck did Loverboy–

DEENA
Sparky.

DOUGIE
Snugglefuckle–

DEENA
Snugglebug.

DOUGIE
Make you wait out here alone?

DEENA
Poor thing doesn’t have a phone.

DOUGIE
Deena.

Baby.

That’s fucking weird.

To not have a phone–in this day and age–even fucking homeless people got phones.

DEENA
Waiting for Jose while he takes a shower.

DOUGIE
Not picking up sushi from Grubhub.

DEENA
…little odd.

DOUGIE
Very fucking odd.

DEENA
Holly’s right. Should sell the house. Shop at Whole Foods like a normal pre-middle aged–

DOUGIE
Holly’s an idiot.

Can’t sell my house.

DEENA
Without Diana, I have no energy to do the “right thing.”

DOUGIE
Wanna do the right thing? Evict loverboy.

DEENA
He’s a very talented musician.

…nowhere else to stay.

DOUGIE
Broke ass motherfucker enjoying my hot tub.

With my wife.

DEENA
Ex-wife.

DOUGIE
Fuck that.

DEENA
Jealous?

DOUGIE
Something ain’t right…deep down you know it.

DOUGIE exits.

SPARKY
Sup sexy.

DEENA
Sup back.

They kiss.

SPARKY
Gonna dig this gift.

DEENA
Lancome juicy tubes?

SPARKY
Magic, kitten. Pure magic.

They kiss.

DEENA
Felt kinda weird…taking a bag from a stranger.

SPARKY
Don’t feel weird. Jose’s cool.

Take off work tomorrow.

DEENA
…why?

SPARKY pulls out his guitar.

SPARKY
“She wasn’t scared/Instead she bared/Her soul to me/Afraid to be alone/Her whole world blown/ She danced with me/Together we chased/Magic dragons and faced/Catacombs of lust/Till a storm gust/Us both to smithereens.”

DEENA
Such talent.

SPARKY
Dad almost burned my guitar–and me–alive.

What were you like as a kid?

Bet you were well-behaved.

DEENA
Till I met Dougie and got knocked up at 21.

SPARKY
Bummer.

DEENA
Worried for Diana.

SPARKY
She knows how to use a condom, right?

DEENA
Yeah.

TikTok.

A Mother still worries.

SPARKY
Sure she knows.

DEENA
Not sure she does.

SPARKY
What did you want to be when you grew up?

DEENA
Definitely not a Human Resources Manager for Costco…

SPARKY
Cheer you right up.

DEENA
Stay forever.

SPARKY
Don’t be scared, Deena.

It’s our destiny.

Lights out.

Act Two, Scene Two: Living Room

There is a knock at the door.

Knocking continues…

DEENA drags herself up from the basement, wearing just SPARKY’s wife beater.

DEENA
Stop. Fucking. Knocking.

DEENA opens the door to ELIZABETH.

ELIZABETH
Deena!

DEENA lights a cigarette.

ELIZABETH
Elizabeth.

Shore Points Realty.

DEENA blows smoke in ELIZABETH’s face.

ELIZABETH
Following-up.

DEENA
Why?

ELIZABETH
To schedule the open house.

DEENA
Slept in.

ELIZABETH
In the neighborhood, Rook coffee, thought I’d check-in.

DEENA
Elizabeth–

ELIZABETH
Paint really isn’t bad–sorry. Feel like stakes got really–

DEENA
Not selling.

ELIZABETH
Oh.

Okay.

DEENA
Keeping the house.

ELIZABETH
Wish you’d let us know.

DEENA
Spur of the moment decision.

ELIZABETH
Must have been.

We have 326 Cedar Lane listed. On our website. Clients are calling. Phones a ringin’.

DEENA
Take it down.

ELIZABETH
Yup.

Will do.

Definitely not selling?

DEENA
Don’t need to.

Have a tenant now.

ELIZABETH
Airbnb? That’s not legal…

DEENA
By tenant, I mean boyfriend.

ELIZABETH
Live-in-boyfriend.

DEENA
Musician.

ELIZABETH
Since three weeks ago?

DEENA
Love is love.

ELIZABETH
Well if you change your mind–know where to find me.

DEENA
At Rook coffee.

ELIZABETH exits.

DEENA
Shit my head hurts.

SPARKY
Boyfriend now?

DEENA
Told the perky realtor a white lie.

Shit my head hurts.

SPARKY
You’ll get used to it.

DEENA
Could move, together, to LA. Start a new life.

SPARKY
Daughter needs you here.

DEENA
Diana never calls.

SPARKY
Hush, Deena.

DEENA
One word texts and emails.

SPARKY
Doesn’t matter.

Got enough left from Jose for another night.

DEENA
Then…?

SPARKY
Baby, you think a lot.

Think less.

Worry less.

DEENA
…basically dead if I’m not thinking or worrying.

SPARKY pulls out his guitar.

SPARKY
“She wasn’t scared/Instead she bared/Her soul to me/Afraid to be alone/Her whole world blown/ She danced with me/Together we chased/Magic dragons and faced/Catacombs of lust/Till a storm gust/Us both to smithereens.”

Lights out.

Act Two, Scene Three: A month later.

Lights up on HOLLY downstage.

HOLLY
FaceTime from Goddaughter, Diana!

DIANA
Thanks for the Girl Scout cookies.

HOLLY
Had to send my favorite goddaughter Samoas.

DIANA
Totes loved.

HOLLY
Samuel! Alexis! Turn that video game down before you go deaf.

DIANA
Aunt Holly, I’m–

HOLLY
Glad you called.

DIANA
Have you heard from Mom–

HOLLY
Been skipping Zumba.

DIANA
She’s acting very–

HOLLY
Hasn’t been to the Workout World in weeks.

DIANA
Something’s off.

HOLLY
Airbnb.

Told her not to go on Airbnb.

DIANA
Totes gross.

She’s so distant and weird and–

HOLLY
God knows what kind of slimy foreigner delinquent is living in her basement.

DIANA
So I didn’t do something wrong?

HOLLY
No, sweetheart.

Your Mother is acting weird.

Nothing to do with you.

DIANA
Wish she’d sell the house.

HOLLY
And shop at Whole Foods!

DIANA
Got into Brookdale, could have gone to Community College, lived at home, saved her money–

HOLLY
Mother wants you to succeed.

DIANA
Feel so guilty.

HOLLY
Knock it off.

DIANA
Coming home for Thanksgiving next month, but wondering–

HOLLY
I’ll check-in on your Mother.

DIANA
Freaking worried.

HOLLY
We all are.

Father–

DIANA
Do NOT mention Dad.

HOLLY
Well, you-know-who, did a number on her.

DIANA
Several times.

HOLLY
Plus her Mother–

DIANA
Grandma.

HOLLY
Was a piece of shit.

God rest her soul.

We’re so proud of you.

First girl in your family to go to college.

DIANA
Love my classes.

HOLLY
What kind of doctor are you going to be?

DIANA
Met some cool girls.

HOLLY
Not a botox nurse, right honey?

DIANA
Going to Coachella in April!

HOLLY
Uhuh.

DIANA
Parties are SO fun.

HOLLY
Uhuh.

DIANA
RA’s are super chill.

Thanks Aunt Holly!

Lights out.

Act Two, Scene Four: Porch

HOLLY knocks on the door.

Knocking continues.

DEENA
Feel sick.

HOLLY
Open up.

DEENA
Not today.

HOLLY
Open the fucking door, Deena.

DEENA enters–and sits on the porch.

HOLLY
Coming in.

DEENA
House is a mess.

HOLLY
Sweetheart.

DEENA
Feel sick.

HOLLY
Did you give up eating for lent?

DEENA
No appetite.

HOLLY
…and your hairbrush?

DEENA lights a cigarette.

HOLLY
Who the FUCK are you?

DEENA
Not in the mood for company.

HOLLY
FUCK happened to you?

DEENA
What do you want?

HOLLY
My best friend back.

DEENA
What are we…ten?

HOLLY
You’ve vanished.

DEENA
Antisocial lately.

HOLLY
Diana is worried–

DEENA
Head hurts.

HOLLY
Diana, your daughter–

DEENA
Lower your voice.

HOLLY
Remember your daughter–

DEENA
Nothing to worry–

HOLLY
Deena–

DEENA
Don’t be melodramatic.

HOLLY
Fuck is wrong with you?

Get yourself together.

Eat a meal.

Brush your hair.

DEENA
You done?

HOLLY
No. I’m NOT done.

DEENA
Holly, I think you’re done.

HOLLY
Deena–

DEENA
Don’t start–

HOLLY
Calling the cops.

DEENA
Holly. Stop.

HOLLY
Airbnb guest–

DEENA
No cops.

HOLLY
Is clearly a psychopath who has hypnotized you–

DEENA
Sparky.

HOLLY
Sparky?

DEENA
Is kind.

HOLLY
Sleeping with him.

Should have put two–

DEENA
You wanted me to go on Tinder!

HOLLY
Exactly and not fuck your Airbnb guest.

DEENA
He’s a musician.

HOLLY
Not a musician.

DEENA
I’m happy.

HOLLY
You’re not happy.

DEENA
I’m happy.

HOLLY
You’re fucking NUTS.

Like your fucking MOTHER.

DEENA
Get off my porch, Krispy Kreme.

HOLLY
Went too far.

Sorry.

I’m sorry. But honey–

DEENA
Wrote a song about us.

HOLLY
He’s paying rent. Right?

DEENA
“She wasn’t scared/Instead she bared/Her soul to me/Afraid to be alone/Her whole world blown/ She danced with me/Together we chased/Magic dragons and faced/Catacombs of lust/Till a storm gust/Us both to smithereens.”

HOLLY
Nobody never told you not to shit where you eat Deena?!

DEENA
He’s so talented.

HOLLY
Grab your things.

DEENA
Let go of me.

HOLLY
Deena, you’re coming home with me.

DEENA
Holly. Stop. Really.

HOLLY
Think of your daughter.

DEENA
Offspring of Deena–the Kohls cashier–and Dougie–the drunk brutal brick-layer.

HOLLY
Evict him. Today.

DEENA
There’s a spot in the basement, Holly, where you can’t feel anything.

HOLLY
Get your SHIT together Deena.

DEENA
Everything is–

HOLLY
NOW.

DEENA
Fine.

HOLLY
Call your daughter.

DEENA
Diana.

HOLLY
Get your ass to Zumba.

DEENA
Maybe…Yes, soon, fine…okay.

HOLLY exits.

SPARKY pulls out his guitar.

SPARKY
“She wasn’t scared/Instead she bared/Her soul to me/Afraid to be alone/Her whole

world blown/ She danced with me/Together we chased/Magic dragons and faced/Catacombs of

lust/Till a storm gust/Us both to smithereens.”

DEENA
Folks must want you home for Thanksgiving.

SPARKY
Deena–you’re my destiny.

Lights out.

Act Two, Scene Five: Thanksgiving.

DIANA enters.

She drops her bag to the floor.

DEENA
Sup.

DIANA
Mom.

DEENA
Welcome home.

DIANA
Mom?

DEENA
How’s school?

DIANA
What happened to our furniture?

DEENA lights a cigarette.

DEENA
Sold it.

DIANA
To pay for school?

DEENA
To make me happy. Facebook Marketplace.

DIANa
Who are you?

DEENA
Decent price. Jose was happy.

DIANA
Gone TOTALLY DELULU, Mom.

DEENA
Hope you like all your classes this semester.

DIANA
What the fuck?

DEENA
Chemistry used to give you grief in High School.

DIANA
Dad do this to you?

DEENA
Haven’t seen Dougie in months! Blessing…and a curse.

DIANA
Asshole in the basement–

DEENA
Diana. Chill.

DIANA
Mom. You sold all our furniture.

DEENA
Surprised you even came home.

DIANA
It’s Thanksgiving, Mom.

DEENA
New Jersey isn’t as fun as–Coach-hella.

DIANA
Scaring me.

DEENA
Leave me here all alone in this house.

DIANA
Aunt Holly was right.

DEENA
Diana.

DIANA
You’re a FUCKING JUNKIE.

DEENA
Mommy’s gone delulu…

Sorry, baby.

DIANA
Mom, please.

DEENA
Sorry…Honey…’m sorry. Mommy’s sorry.

DIANA
Evict the creep in the basement.

DEENA
Yes. Promise. Yes.

DIANA
Sleeping at Aunt Holly’s.

DEENA
Yes. Sweetie. Yes.

DIANA
Not safe here.

DEENA
No. It’s not.

Tried to warn you–

DIANA
Tomorrow–

DEENA
Mommy will make you chocolate chip waffles.

DIANA
No more–

DEENA
No, no, no. No more. Never again. Sorry, baby. Mommy’s sorry.

DIANA
Not too late–can move back home, go to community college–

DEENA
Hush, hush, hush. Mommy’s fine.

DIANA
Text me when he’s gone…

Love you, Mommy.

DEENA
Love you, baby.

DIANA exits.

Lights up on the basement.

DEENA
Sparky, we need to talk.

DEENA picks up a newspaper.

DEENA
Ocean County News–November 28, 1993.

SPARKY
Hi. Sup.

DEENA
Sparky.

SPARKY looks at the newspaper.

SPARKY
Hella rough.

DEENA
Sparky.

SPARKY
Now you know.

DEENA
…fucking haunted house.

SPARKY
Deena–my destiny.

DEENA
Sparky, we can’t–

SPARKY
We can.

DEENA
No. No. Stop.

SPARKY
Yes.

DEENA
Sparky–

SPARKY
Deena–

SPARKY
Never meant to hurt you, Deena.

DEENA
No. Please. Stop.

SPARKY
Hush, hush, hush.

DEENA
SPARKY.

SPARKY
This was always our destiny.

Lights out.

Act Two, Scene Six: Few weeks later.

HOLLY
(Gossiping to anyone who will listen to her) Posting never went live on Airbnb. Poor thing went crazy. Living in that house by herself. Blame myself. Should have–should have–should have helped her more somehow.

DOUGIE
Diana.

HOLLY
If you believe in ghosts, which I don’t, but Renaldo–our Zumba instructor does–something really wild happened in that basement.

DOUGIE
Honey…Sorry.

DIANA
All your fault. Mom’s death is ALL YOUR FAULT.

DOUGIE
No, sweetheart.

HOLLY
Day after Thanksgiving, November 28, 1993. Police found the body of a 21 year-old kid who’d overdosed on heroin. 326 Cedar Lane.

DOUGIE
Hadn’t spoken to your Mother in over a year.

DIANA
Fucking liar.

DOUGIE
Not even a text. Check her phone.

Lights dim.