As a high school drama coach and director, Linda Howard Cooke sometimes had a hard time finding plays she liked enough to produce. Following the old adage, “If you want it done right, do it yourself,” she started writing scripts that provided strong roles for female students.  

As a result, “Death by Public Speaking” came out in 2014 through Brooklyn Publishers. Brooklyn published her one-act comedy in 2016 titled, “I’m a Princess – Get Me out of Here!” in 2016 and “Operation: Dessert Storm” in 2019. 

In the summer of 2019, the Angels Theatre Collective in Lincoln, Nebraska produced two of Linda’s short comedies, "It's a Worry-full Life" and "Playbill, Play Ball." Elderidge Publishing released "Playbill, Play Ball" in December 2019.

Three Characters Attempting to Avoid Suicide (on the Gary Stringer Show)

Characters:

GARY STRINGER:  tabloid TV talk show host  GUSTAVE FLAUBERT: author of Madame Bovary
LEO TOLSTOY: author of Anna Karenina
KATE CHOPIN: author of The Awakening
EMMA BOVARY: Flaubert’s fictional character 
ANNA KARENINA: Tolstoy’s fictional character
EDNA PONTELLIER: Chopin’s fictional character.
2 SECURITY GUARDS: break up the fights (non-speaking)
SECURITY 1: runs a special errand for Kate
AUDIENCE: teens and twenty-somethings stir up fights between guests (may be offstage voices)

Authors and fictional characters may have accents – French for Gus and Emma, Russian for Leo and Anna, American for Kate and Edna.

Costumes:

Authors and fictional characters may wear costumes appropriate to the time period in which they lived (or were written), or wear very simple, monochromatic costumes.

Gary – suit and tie

Security – black jeans and t-shirts that say “Security”

Audience – modern dress

Set:

A TV Tabloid talk show: a stage with six chairs

Chairs for audience members

Maybe cameras, boom microphones, monitors (optional)

Props:

Hand mic

One or two water pitchers, six drinking glasses

Sound effects:

Boxing bell

Theme music for show opening

AT RISE: Theme music. A title card warns “This show may contain immature content.” ANNA, EMMA and EDNA are seated onstage. GARY enters [via a stripper pole, if possible]. Audience stands, pumping their fists in the air and chanting "Ga-ry!, Ga-ry!". GARY shakes hands with some in the front row of the audience. The audience sits and settles down.

GARY
Thanks everyone, for tuning in to “The Gary Stinger Show.” Today’s episode, like all our episodes – deals with cheaters and revenge! Our first guest today is Emma. Tell us about yourself, Emma.

EMMA
Well, Gary, I was born in France.

GARY
Oo la la, Frenchie!

EMMA
(embarrassed for Gary) Ah, yes. My husband and I lived in a small village where he had a medical practice. I was a stay-at-home mom to my little girl. 

GARY
And when was this?

EMMA
Oh, about a hundred and sixty years ago.

GARY
I know what you mean. Some days I feel so old...

EMMA
No, seriously, it literally was over a century ago. And let me tell you, country life in 1856 was a total snooze fest. I wanted more … and eventually I had an affair.

AUDIENCE
Ooo!

GARY
Juicy! Now let’s meet Anna, our second guest for today. What’s your story, Anna?

ANNA
I come from Russia, Gary. I had a little boy, and like Emma, I was a full-time mother. My husband was a government official.

GARY
Did he work for the Reds? Are you a commie?

ANNA
What? No! I was born only about twenty years after Emma here. The Communist revolution was long after my time.

GARY
Hmmm… Well, let’s say I believe you … for now. Please go on with your story … [under his breath] … pinko.

ANNA
Like Emma, I became dissatisfied with my circumstances, and had an affair with another man.

AUDIENCE
Ooo!

GARY
And are you here to confess to your husband about the affair?

ANNA
No, I already came clean with Alexei. I asked for a divorce, as a matter of fact.

GARY
How did he respond?

ANNA
He refused; he wanted to keep up the appearance of a happy marriage for the sake of his career. Eventually my situation became unbearable, and I committed suicide by throwing myself under a train.

GARY
(nodding calmly) Emma, did you have a similar experience?

EMMA
Well, my husband never found out about the affairs –

GARY
Affairs? Plural?

AUDIENCE
(ad lib) Ooo! Skank! Ho! Tramp! Etc...

EMMA
Two, yes. My husband was clueless and never knew, but I did commit suicide, just as Anna did, except I poisoned myself with arsenic.

GARY
(Unable to come up with an intelligent response) Wow. Yeah, wow. Well, that brings us to our third guest today. Her name is Edna, and she’s from the good ole’ U.S. of A. Welcome, Edna. Tell us about yourself.

EDNA
Thank you, Gary. I was born in 1899, so I suppose that makes me the baby of the group. Like Emma and Anna, life as merely a wife and mother had become meaningless for me, so I too sought solace in the arms of another man.

AUDIENCE
Ooo!

GARY
Did you husband discover your affair?

EDNA
Affairs, plural, Gary. Two – just like Emma.

AUDIENCE
(Again, ad lib) Ooo! Skank! Ho! Tramp! Etc...

GARY
Did the affair bring you … satisfaction?

EDNA
Not so much. In the end he left me, and I drowned myself.

GARY
Well, I’m sure we’re all sensing a pattern here. So ladies, kindly tell our audience what brings you all here today.

ANNA
We want to confront our authors about the pathetic way they wrote us.

AUDIENCE
Ga-ry! Ga-ry! Ga-ry!

GARY
Okay then, fair enough. Let’s bring out our next group of guests: Gustave Flaubert, author of Madame Bovary; Leo Tolstoy, author of Anna Karenina; and Kate Chopin, author of The Awakening.

GUS and LEO start to enter. When faced with hisses and boos from the audience, they give KATE a “ladies first” gesture, and hide behind her as she enters. The three of them take their seats onstage.

GARY
Welcome authors, and thanks for appearing with us. Do any of you know why you’re here?

LEO
I have no idea. But I love a mystery. I love a long, long drawn out story, with dozens and dozens of characters...

EDNA
Who cares! We want to know why you killed us!

KATE
Killed you? What?

GARY
Maybe we need to make some introductions. Do you authors recognize these ladies? Their names are Emma Bovary, Anna Karenina and Edna Pontellier. 

GUS
Unbelievable.

KATE
You're just as I pictured you.

LEO
You’re not how I pictured you – how can that be when I invented you?

ANNA
You don’t own me.

The two security guards enter.

GARY
Ooo! Sparks are flying already! Each of you authors wrote that these women had extramarital affairs, and let me tell you, they are angry.

LEO
I think I understand Gary. Such actions, such relations are, well ‘indelicate,’ but it was necessary for …

ANNA
Oh, we don’t mind about the affairs. They were fun … while they lasted. Why shouldn’t women explore their sexuality?

GUS
I’m afraid I don’t understand.

EMMA
Of course not, because you’re a dimwit!.

GUS
Ungrateful wench! Do you know I went on trial for obscenity because of this work? I defended you in a court of law!

EMMA
Cry me a river, you hack.

EMMA lunges at GUS. Boxing bell rings. Security steps between them and gets them seated again.

EDNA
What we object to is that as soon as the affairs ended, you made us all commit suicide.

A pause as authors sit deadpan.

KATE
Oh, that.

GARY
Gus, your book was the first one published. What do you say to that?

GUS
(To KATE and LEO) The two of you wrote heroines who had extramarital affairs … and then committed suicide, just like I did with Madame Bovary?

KATE
(Embarrassed) It appears you started a trend, monsieur.

GUS
A trend?

LEO
It was an homage, mon ami.

GUS
An homage?

KATE
Stop repeating everything we say!

GUS
Who are you to criticize repeating someone else? Either of you!

KATE
(Nervous) Now, Monsieur Flaubert, you know what they say: imitation is the sincerest form of flattery..

GUS
The sincerest form of Plagiarism! I’ll sue you both!

GUS lunges for LEO. Boxing bell sounds. Security half-heartedly breaks them up.

GARY
Wow! Even the authors are mixing things up. Our show certainly is exciting. Especially for people who don't have lives of their own.

GUS
Even their names – Emma and Edna - are similar to my Anna. (to the characters)

How do you even tell each other apart?

EDNA
Oh no you didn’t!

EDNA lunges at GUS. Bell sounds. SECURITY gets them seated.

GARY
Okay now, have a drink and cool off.

Security guards pour glasses of water for characters and authors. Reluctantly, they all take a sip.

GARY
Now, Edna, let’s get your perspective. Why is this so awful?

EDNA
You’re seriously standing there, asking me what’s so awful about committing suicide?

GARY
Actors love doing juicy death scenes such as yours. And after all, we all have to die of something, right?

EDNA
For one thing, we all left behind small children! Would it have been so awful for us to live to old age and die in our sleep?

KATE
You can’t have a story without conflict, surely you understand -

EDNA
Of course! You may have written us as childish, but we’re not idiots! We’re saying that we could have left something better for our children than what you gave us. You could have had us rise above our conflicts … if you had any creative talent at all, that is

KATE
You’ve got some nerve! What artistic work did you ever create?

EDNA
Nothing … thanks to you, writing me as a whining malcontent!

The two lunge at each other. Bell sounds. SECURITY makes a meager attempt at breaking them up.

EMMA
Edna’s right! Bad enough that Gus made my character go into crippling debt, after my suicide, my daughter’s surviving parent also died. Then you killed off the grandmother in whose care she was left..

ANNA
(to Gus) Finally you left her little one with an aunt who sent her to the workhouse. You didn’t miss a trick, did you?

EDNA
Effin’ A! You could have made Emma’s husband assertive enough to help her manage her excesses. They wouldn’t have gone into debt, and could have lived to see their daughter grow up!

LEO
Oh shut up, you harpy tarts! What do you know about literature?

ANNA
I am literature!

LEO
Only thanks to me, you ingrate!

LEO throws water in ANNA’s face and she sputters in shock. A ruckus breaks out among all. AUDIENCE cheers them on. SECURITY separates them and seats them again.

GUS
What you bleeding heart snowflakes can’t seem to grasp is that these works reflect the times in which they were written.

EMMA
Writers could have changed the times with their work.

LEO
I believe we did, you ignorant bimbo!

EMMA lunges for LEO. Boxing bell sounds. Security steps in. SECURITY 1 exits.

GARY
This is the point in the show where, after egging them on to violence, I pretend to try to reconcile the opposing parties. Sometimes we do this by offering our guests a cake to snack on, and never to throw at each other or smash on someone’s face. 

SECURITY 1 returns, carrying a cake, hands it to GARY.

KATE
I don’t think cake is going to fix this, Gary.

GARY
Maybe not, but let me ask the fictional characters: can you say anything positive about the way you were written?

EDNA
You mean, like, “It was sure nifty to spend time on the beach … before I drowned myself.” Something like that?

EMMA
Or, “My house and my clothes were the envy of the village … until I went bankrupt.” Is that what you mean? 

ANNA
Now friends, let’s not be snarky. I really am grateful to Leo for one thing: He gave my lover the same first name as my husband, so I never had to worry about calling out the wrong name in bed. So … thanks for that.

ANNA laughs as EDNA and EMMA give her high fives.

EDNA
You go, girl!

EMMA
Way to be, chica!

JESSIE
Artemis.

ARTEMIS
Everything is all fair and square round here?

AUDIENCE
Ga-ry! Ga-ry! Woo-hoo!

GARY
Okay ladies, all kidding aside – is there any hope of reconciliation? Is there anything that might repair your relationship with your author?

EMMA
Only one thing: We want you to re-write us and let us live.

GUS
Absolutely not! I refuse on the grounds of creative integrity!

KATE
As do I!

LEO
I agree! Our books are classic works of literature.

AUDIENCE
(ad lib) Boo! Go tell it to Oprah! Bunch of snobs!

EDNA
We don’t need you alleged artists. We can write our own endings. We want to be different from one another, unique individuals, not imitators of one another.

KATE
What the three of you fail to understand is that you can’t write anything, because you are fictional characters!

EMMA
Well, guess what, sister? In this scenario, the three of you are fictional as well!

KATE, GUS and LEO look at each other in alarm. Tenuously, they reach out and touch one another to see if they are real.

LEO
Can this be true?

KATE
Dear God, she’s right! We are fictional!

EDNA
How does it feel, suckers?

GUS
I … I’m not sure I want to go on.

LEO
Neither do I! Which way to the railway station?

KATE
Which way to the shore? I’m going to end it all!

ANNA
Can’t take it, huh?

EMMA
Wussies.

EDNA
That decides it – we’re taking over! Emma, your story came first so we’ll start with you. I say … I say you got out of debt by getting a job … a job as a designer – interiors or clothing.

EMMA
I am pretty good at that sort of thing!

ANNA
Damn right you are!

EDNA
And Anna, I realize how personal this is … but you do show some signs of mental illness – paranoia and schizophrenia.

ANNA
I can’t deny it. I did some nutty stuff by the end, and I was constantly depressed.

EDNA
What if we got you some kind of therapy? Then maybe you could maintain your relationship with Alexei – one of the Alexeis, take your pick.

LEO
I hate to break it to you, but psychotherapy in the 1870s wasn’t all that spiffy.

ANNA
Hard to imagine the results being much worse. I’ll risk it.

KATE
This is ridiculous! You ladies can’t just slap newer sensibilities on works from previous centuries. You can’t throw in modern enlightenment about mental illness, women’s rights to work or to divorce.

AUDIENCE
Go tell it to Oprah, you snob!

EMMA
The authors do have a point – we can’t just tie things up with a neat happy bow. One of us may have to lose primary custody of our children, at least.

EDNA
(Considers a moment) That’s a rough blow … but … but I think I could handle it if I at least have visitation. I mean, being a mother is the most important thing to me, but it’s not the only thing. I always wanted to become an artist. If I could see my sons on weekends, and open my own studio, I’d be so happy!

GARY
I can’t believe I’m the one saying this, ladies, but I have to agree with your authors: This is not real life.

ANNA
You got that right. It’s not reality. It’s fiction. So I’m going to have a profession, too. I’m going to be … a writer, maybe a novelist.

GUS
You don’t have the talent to be a novelist – you’d be lucky to become a lowly playwright.

ANNA
Stuff it, you blowhard! You took away our control, and now we’re taking it back. And here’s what you can do with your professional integrity.

ANNA scoops up a handful of cake, and aims it toward LEO.

LEO
Wait! Wait!

ANNA freezes, listening.

LEO
(grasping at straws) One might argue that suicide is the ultimate control, you chose your own endings.

ANNA
(Pauses, shakes her head) What a crock of shit!

​ANNA smashes the cake into LEO’s face. EMMA does the same to GUS and EDNA to KATE. Then it’s a free-for-all. GUS rips off EMMA’s wig and throws it into the audience. The AUDIENCE goes wild!

GARY
(Shouting over the fray) There you have it, folks! Till next time, take care of yourselves and each other.

Curtain down, or sound the boxing bell.

End of Play.