Katie Kirk (they/them) is a playwright & screenwriter originally from Northwest Indiana, currently living in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania—where they're halfway through an MFA in Dramatic Writing at Carnegie Mellon University. In 2023, Katie received Carnegie Mellon University's Mary Marlin Fisher Playwriting Award for their full-length comedy Eggman. Katie's ten-minute play One Hundred Bees received a public NYC reading presentation as part of Theater Masters' Take Ten playwriting competition and will be published by Concord Theatricals. Their plays have been staged or developed with organizations including Theater Masters, Carnegie Mellon School of Drama, The Playwrights Realm Script Share Program, the University of Kentucky’s Kentucky Theatre Association, and The PlayGround Experiment, as well as adapted into a short film.

The Squirrel Watchers

Characters:

Chloe: 22-year-old college senior and transfer student. Smart and passionate (especially when it comes to her knowledge of squirrels), but bad at picking up on basic social cues. No romantic experience to speak of. Horribly insecure about almost everything in her life. Brook: 21-year-old college junior who works in a bookstore. Talkative, charismatic, and entertaining, but has a tendency to monopolize conversations. Has hooked up with a lot of people. Crippling self-hatred.
Alex: 22-year-old senior theatre major. Lesbian who recently broke up with her girlfriend of three years and is dealing with the fallout. Fairly quiet and conflict-avoidant. but a supportive friend.

The entire play takes place in a nature area on a women’s college campus. It’s a relaxing spring day. The most important part of the set is a bench downstage center. Lights up on CHLOE, who is sitting on the bench and staring directly into the audience. She occasionally moves her head back and forth, just watching something the audience can’t see. After some time, BROOK enters.

BROOK
Chloe! Hey!

CHLOE
Brook! You’re just in time.

BROOK
(sitting down beside CHLOE) …Time for what, exactly?

CHLOE
To see this. Just look.

(pointing outward at a place in the audience)

That guy’s an eastern gray squirrel, and he’s digging up a bunch of the acorns he stored over the winter.

BROOK
(only mildly interested) Oh yeah? Wasn’t that the one we named Mister—um— Mister Fluffington, or something—

CHLOE
Mister Fluffster, actually. But yeah, if you look closely, you can see that he had more than enough acorns stored up this winter.

(babytalkiing in the direction of the audience)

Isn’t that right, Mister Fluffster? You’ve done such a good job staying alive in the winter, yes you ha-ave-

BROOK
Uh. Okay. Hey, where’s everyone else? Like, Makayla and Alex and Elise? There is a meeting today, right?

CHLOE
As your esteemed Squirrel Watchers Club secretary, I can confirm that there is a meeting today. But I haven’t seen Makayla in a while. Who knows what she’s been up to. And Alex and Elise…uh, I doubt they’ll show up—because, well, you know..

BROOK
Wait, why the hell not? They wanted to lead this club in the first place, why wouldn’t they—

CHLOE
Oh, didn’t Alex tell you? They broke up last week.

BROOKE
…You’re kidding.

CHLOE
Not kidding. And it was bad. Like, Alex-got-kicked-out-and-Elise-never-wants-to-see-her-again bad.

BROOK
Shit. Wait, why didn’t Alex tell me?

CHLOE
I— uh— I don’t know, maybe you haven’t seen her? She also is trying to keep it pretty quiet, I think.

BROOK
I can’t believe it.

CHLOE
Hey— uh, I’m sorry I mentioned it, I’m sure she doesn’t hate you, she just—

BROOK
Oh no, it’s not that. I mean…I mean, it’s kind of that, but it’s— I can’t believe they’re not together anymore. They—when I was a freshman, they were sophomores, and I just thought they were the absolute ideal, they were the first gay couple I ever really got to know, yeah? And they were so chill about it, too— like, granted this is a women’s college so it shouldn’t have shocked me, but they’d hold hands in public and kiss all the time and they were so cool and—god, I don’t know. Before I was their friend I just wanted to be them. They’re— I mean, they were, like, the alpha couple. And they were together, what, three years? But they made me think maybe—I don’t know, this sounds dumb, but because of Alex and Elise I thought that maybe love was still, like. Possible.

CHLOE
Well. Uh. Sorry for— uh, ruining it for you.

(a slightly awkward pause)

Do you just wanna maybe watch squirrels now? Since it seems like it’s just gonna be the two of us?

BROOK
…I mean, I guess. What’s that guy’s name? The scrawny-lookin dude.

CHLOE
That one’s a girl, actually, and her name’s Janet.

BROOK
Janet? Who the hell names a squirrel Janet?

CHLOE
…I did, actually—

ALEX enters.

BROOK
Alex!

ALEX
(sitting down beside BROOK) Hey guys! Ready to watch some squirrels?

BROOK
Yeah, I— it’s good to see you. I didn’t think you’d be able to make it.

ALEX
Why wouldn’t I—

BROOK
Well, the whole thing with—

ALEX
Chloe. Chloe, did you tell her?

CHLOE
Uh. Yeah. Sorry.

BROOK
Why, was I not supposed to hear about / your break-up or—

ALEX
Oh no, no, no, I was going to tell you anyway, I just didn’t get a chance, I just— Chloe, I’d have liked to do it myself, y’know?

CHLOE
…Sorry.

ALEX and BROOK exchange a glance over CHLOE’s head—not necessarily malicious, simply exasperated— a glance that implies this kind of social misdemeanor seems to be a habit of CHLOE’s.

ALEX
You’re good. Or— not— not good, because I’d rather you hadn’t, but. Y’know. It happened.

There is a very awkward pause.

BROOK
Alex, do you— obviously you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but—

ALEX
Not really. It was just— it was just going to happen, I guess. Without saying too much, it’d all been building up for a while now. Something had to give eventually. Y’know?

CHLOE
…Not really.

BROOK
I never would have guessed.

ALEX
Really? Not even these last couple months?

BROOK
Especially not. You guys always seemed so cute. And so damn happy.

ALEX
Brook, we’re both theatre majors. It’s all acting. Oh shit, that reminds me I’m gonna have to see her in class tomorrow, aren’t I? Damn it.

BROOK
At least you had something though, I guess. Like it didn’t work, but at least you kinda know what to look out for next time.

ALEX
Maybe. Though I don’t think there’s gonna be a next time for a while. It kind of— I feel like I wasted my whole college experience, y’know? So many people get to experiment and stuff, and the whole time I was stuck living with a girl who’ll barely even talk to me now.

BROOK
Still. You had something.

ALEX
Hey, whatever happened to your guy? Your manager?

CHLOE
Wait, you slept with your manager? At the bookstore?

BROOK
Oh, do not get me STARTED on / that asshole.

CHLOE
Your MANAGER?

ALEX
I thought things were going well?

BROOK
Yeah, for, like, a month. And then suddenly he wouldn’t text me back whenever I’d hit him up. This happened on four separate occasions, mind you, so it wasn’t just me being a clingy bitch and triple-texting like last time. And then at work he’d just act like nothing happened and ignore me if I tried to say something.

ALEX
Damn.

BROOK
But then— THEN— and this is the best part— last week he texts me out of the damn blue and he’s like, “Can you give me a ride to Hobby Lobby? My battery died.” And I, being the kindhearted idiot I am, tell him sure. And I pick up the bastard at his place and drive him for Fifteen. Minutes. In almost total silence. To the fucking. Hobby. Lobby. I don’t even charge him for gas. And you know what he says once I finally drop him off?

CHLOE
(under her breath, but totally unsubtle) No, but I have a feeling we’re about to find out.

BROOK
”You gonna drive me back?” That’s it. No “Thank you,” no “hey, hooking up with you was fun but I’m over it now,” no nothing. Just “you gonna drive me back?”

ALEX
Well, did you?

BROOK
Huh?

ALEX
Drive him back. Did you?

BROOK
Well,,,well, yeah, I wasn’t gonna just. Just leave him there, yeah?

CHLOE
You should have.

BROOK
Oh, come on, it’s not—

ALEX
Yeah, I’m with Chloe on this one.

BROOK
But that’s just it. You wanna know the worst part of all of this? I’m still strung out over him? Like, don’t get me wrong, he’s a dickhead. And I know he’s a dickhead. But if he asked me to come over, to sleep with him one last time, I’d be at his place in a heartbeat.

ALEX
God, I’m sorry.

BROOK
The moral of the story is don’t hook up with coworkers, kids

CHLOE
Wasn’t planning on it.

BROOK
You’re a better woman than me, Chloe.

CHLOE
(taken aback) Hey, uh, thanks.

BROOK
But yeah, I dunno. Maybe I’ll jump back into Tinder again. Find a couple faraway frat daddies to screw around with.

CHLOE
Please never say the words “frat daddies” ever again.

BROOK
Why? It upset you? Frat daddies. Frat daddies. Fr—

CHLOE
Can we please stop talking about frat daddies and just / watch squirrels?

BROOK
You sure you don’t want to hear about frat—

ALEX
Nah, she’s right. If you talk about frat daddies anymore I’m gonna be physically ill.
(pointing)
Hey, look— that’s Janet, right?

CHLOE
No, that’s Mrs. Acornicus. That one’s Janet.

ALEX
Oh, right. Obviously.

CHLOE
You know, for the founders of a squirrel watching club, you guys sure are bad at actually watching squirrels.

BROOK and ALEX laugh, a little nervously.

BROOK
Wait, Chloe, not to suddenly bring this up again, but how about you?

CHLOE
Hm?

BROOK
Got anyone in your life? Or— as in our case— recently out of it? I mean, Lord knows I’m not a paragon of virtue when it comes to this kind of thing.

CHLOE
No. No, not really.

BROOK
Dry spell, huh? It happens. It— yeah, when you’re a fuckup like me, it happens a lot. You know, at this point, I don’t even really want a relationship, yeah? I’d just like to hook up with someone more than three times. That’s it. Just— some kind of constant. That’s all I want. And I’d thought this time maybe I’d get it.

ALEX
…That’s depressing as hell, Brook.

BROOK
Yeah, well, it’s like that sometimes. Am I right or am I right, Chloe?

CHLOE
I don’t know.

ALEX
Huh?

CHLOE
I mean it. I literally don’t know. I’ve never dated anyone. Or—or, I don’t know, hooked up with anyone. Or been asked out. Any of that. In 22 years— 23 in a month— I have a sum total of zero experience. I’m pretty sure the only person who’s called me pretty or something is my mom.

ALEX
Well, Chloe, I think you’re very—

CHLOE
Pity points don’t count.

ALEX
It’s not—

CHLOE
It doesn’t count. And— I don’t know, I transferred here senior year because I thought maybe things would be different in a new place. I’d finally have a life. Friends. Get to have the college experience everyone always talked about. And—

ALEX’s phone rings.

ALEX
…It’s Elise.

BROOK
Oh fuck— don’t answer it, Alex, you don’t need to talk to her—

ALEX
What if— y’know, what if I still have stuff over at her place? Or—maybe she wants to apologize, and—

BROOK
Alex. Don’t answer her.

ALEX
(standing to leave) You know how you feel about your manager guy?

BROOK
…Yeah.

ALEX
Well, that’s me with Elise.
(answers)
Hey.

ALEX, apparently listening attentively, walks out, phone up to her ear.

BROOK
Christ. Poor girl.
(noticing CHLOE)
Hey. Uh. It’s no big deal, not having had that stuff happen yet. Like my genetics tutor? Pretty sure she’s never been on a date either, and she’s 28. And she’s, like. Normal and stuff.

CHLOE
Yeah?

BROOK
Oh yeah. And I know more people, too. You’re young. It’s not a big deal— trust me on this. Sex, romance, all of it— it’s more trouble than it’s worth. It’s hell sometimes.

CHLOE
Yeah, but with hell— at least you know, right? Like I’m just here stuck in— I don’t know, in purgatory. Just watching. Not just with dating, but my whole life. I’m so tired of watching.

BROOK
Even of watching squirrels?

CHLOE
No! No, not at all. Honestly, this club’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I finally have friends.
Pause, as both BROOK and CHLOE realize what she’s said.
But, uh, what’s going to happen to it next year? All of us are graduating except you and Makayla, and Makayla never even shows up—

BROOK
I—I don’t think it’s gonna keep going anymore.

CHLOE
But you can’t just let it die! You love squirrels—

BROOK
Chloe, uh…

CHLOE
Hey, look, Mrs. Acornicus is—

BROOK
Chloe, you— you do realize this all started as a joke, right?

CHLOE
I, wait— what?

BROOK
The Squirrel Watchers Club. Last year, Elise and Alex were bitching about how they were gonna graduate this year without any leadership experience on their resumes. Naturally, I said we should start a club just for the hell of it, and— well, one thing led to another and here we are today.

CHLOE
So…so none of you actually know anything about squirrels?

BROOK
Well, no, but— look, yeah, it was originally just the three of us screwing around, and then Makayla joined back when I was trying to get with her- god, that was a disaster— but then you joined and you were actually really passionate about squirrels, yeah? And it was cute, and none of us had the heart to tell you it was a joke.

CHLOE
…So it’s all fake, is what you’re saying?

BROOK
No! No, that’s not what what I’m saying at a— look, we kept it going because we liked it, okay? I really did enjoy learning about the eastern gray squirrel. And Janet and Mister Fluffster and all of them. And— and I like hanging out with you, too.

CHLOE
Yeah?

BROOK
Yeah. I— I don’t have many friends either, honestly. Not real ones, anyway.

CHLOE
It’s only— how did I not realize it was fake? I always do this— I miss something someone says or does, or I don’t do something that everyone just automatically knows to do. And then I’m on the outside again. Watching. Just like with dating stuff.

BROOK
You’re not missing much—

CHLOE
I— I mean, I haven’t even been kissed yet.

She turns to face BROOK, staring directly into her eyes.

CHLOE (CONT)
(softer) Yeah. Haven’t even been kissed.

BROOK, still looking at her, understands intuitively what she is asking but doesn’t move to help in any way.

BROOK
…And?

CHLOE grows embarrassed, looks down.

CHLOE
It— oh, I don’t know. Never mind.

BROOK
It’s, it’s not— there’s still my manager, and besides— I would'n’t want to ruin what we’ve— look. Chloe. You want me to— well, let’s just say you don’t want to be me. Purgatory’s better than hell.

CHLOE
I don’t know. I can’t know.
CHLOE finally glances up, refusing to look at BROOK and instead staring
straightforward at the audience.
Do you— do you just wanna watch squirrels now? For real this time?

BROOK nods wordlessly. The two assume identical positions on the bench and stare into the audience, just watching. Lights slowly fade to black.